Pelting rain in Marseille turns the sidewalks dark and reflective, forms lakes in the holes where the workmen are drilling, makes a whole city of people fond of the sun sleepy and listless. Bundled up in my room with chills running down my spine and the sound of the rain on the window pains wishing I could figure out how to work the heater... Marveling at the tremendous extent to which life seems to imitate art and still fails to be as meaningful.
I've been killing time on Youtube and came across a trailor for the the television show "Dr. House" to a song by Zazie, "Je suis un homme". The strangest things put me in a philosophical state or move me to tears. The deeply effected expression in Dr. House's eyes along with the music make me understand how much I have in common with Dr. House... Our lives are dramatic and we are in the spotlight playing the dramatic role... The whole world is watching us and waiting with baited breath to see how we will eventually win each of our battles, each victory bringing us closer to immortality and ultimate meaning.
Of course I don't really believe any of this. The return to reality from this three minute illusion lasting almost the length of the trailor gives me a sudden need to let go of the temporary belief that the past has a meaning and the future is going somewhere. So I have a good cry on a rainy day in Marseille, alone in my room in front of a televsion trailor.
The fact is, at this time in the ever fluctuating progression of my life, the only thing I believe in fully is the present. I don't believe in faith anymore so I believe what I think i can see, hear, touch, taste, breath.
And yet, I still have a sense of time, at this time, I only believe in the present, I said... Yet I feel somehow there is some sense beyond the five principle senses. There is a definite sixth sense that is more than marks humanity put on a clock... That is time. I don't so much fear it's passing now, as have a subtle faith (though I don't base anything on faith) that time will continuously make life better. Even when it's worse, I will be stronger, more durable, more resilient with each passing hardship... Or should I say, with each passing challenge... I don't believe in hardship either. There are only challenges to be overcome... In the meantime, due to unflickering faith in the present I must remember to be aware of the journey.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JGV0PvAnUjA
